Van Helsing is a dumb series. Fight me.
(Actually, don’t fight me. I’m delicate… Hahahahahahahahahahaha *cries*)
It is, in fact, so dumb, that I can’t even begin to use a more eloquent word to describe it. And no, I’m not talking about the awesome 2004 film by the same name. Movie Van Helsing had cool scenes like this:
And this:
Series Van Helsing has we-totally-want-to-be-the-walking-dead scenes like this:
And yes. I know, I know. Most people hated the 2004 film. I have to admit… That last scene… It hit me right in the oh-god-make-the-bad-stop. But, that being said, it also had some kickass vampires with kickass powers, an incomparable take on Dracula with Richard Roxburgh in the role, some positively bitching-looking werewolves, and that dope masquerade ball. Pictured above, in case you were wondering.
The trope is tired, guys. Let it take a nap.
Now… the TV series (*sighs*) tried… really, hard, to dredge up the old girl-who-fights-the-bad-things-in-leather-is-hot theme. This, as you may recall, was a hallmark of every vampirey movie Kate Beckinsale acted in. So… 2004 Van Helsing (shocker) as well as every Underworld film ever made. Yeah… There was, once upon a time, this rather determined push towards vampires and werewolves at war while a hybrid bounced between them, and a fine-ass snack fought the bad guys.
Plot?
But SyFy’s Van Helsing was so intent on the hot-girl trope, in fact, that the story, the other themes, the character development, the sense, and sometimes, the simplest real-world facts went completely catawampus. On that last note, I just… I… Season 2, episode 9. Squeezing a steak to get almost half a glass of very thick, very red-looking blood out. Thoughts?
Okay, but this aside. If you haven’t watched Van Helsing, let me give you a super quick rundown. A woman who has been dead (or sleeping, or something) and guarded by the military in a hospital for three years wakes up to find that vampires are real and they now rule a world that has turned on its head, ever since a volcano erupted, spewing ash into the sky and effectively blotting out the sun. Some of the sun. All of the sun? They’re never quite clear on this in this series, and, as it turns out, lo and behold, this is one of my pet peeves.
These vampires don’t, at any point in this show, prove themselves to be resourceful, capable, or even intelligent. There are outliers, like Dmitri (ALMOST reason enough to make me want to issue our charming General Dmitri Kron with a new name and birth certificate), but he fails to maintain character, to show growth, or even to keep up with his bad-ass persona.
“Acting”
The acting is, honestly, sub-par at best. These people neither speak naturally heard phrases, nor do they deliver their lines with any manner of genuine emotion. Kelly Overton (Vanessa) seems to have been given the direction to “smile” whenever she’s pissed off. Apparently, the director has no understanding of what it means to actually be intimidating. And her entire purpose in the show is apparently to be the sexy woman with super powers. It’s not like we’ve seen this anywhere a million times. And it smacks hard of Anita Blake. Which just, gets my goat. A direct character comparison between the two has some eerie similarities, such as the inability to see things that are quite obvious to the audience, and have no reason not to be obvious to the characters, as well as a penchant for being overly aggressive, antagonistic, and, well, unhelpful. This is evidenced in other characters as well, such as everyone’s refusal to accept Phil/Flesh when he turns into a human again, but the perfectly mind-boggling, sudden acceptance of Julius, as if he was never a towering tyrant who happily murdered, tortured, slaughtered, etc.
Speaking of dear old Julius… At no point in the history of the two seasons I watched did Julius appear to be a real boy. His interests were limited to boxing and eating newborns.
And then there’s Mina *ahem* I mean, Scarlett, has some of the poorest attempts at acting out actual human behaviour I have ever seen. Only to be outdone by the acting of Camille Marty, who plays her younger self. And Axel who has no concept of loyalty when it comes to his pants missile, which likes to flirt with the idea of bedding darling VanVan, his sleeping beauty, but then gets his rocks off with Scarlett, because the apocalypse has had little to no effect on his prominent sex drive. In fact, Axel bounces around so many times with his love/lust interests, that it’s hard to remember a time he ever had a thing for the doctor that he kept caged up like some psycho vampire-circus ringmaster.
Honestly, the only redeeming element of this series was Sam, and his subsequently very entertaining storyline. It would have been enough to make me keep watching the show, but having to yell at the screen every other minute in an attempt to make moronic characters see some sort of sense became tedious. And, ultimately, Van Helsing was a massive letdown.
I’m horrified to see that it has anything even remotely resembling positive reviews. And it does. Some of them are even glowing. I’ve just come down from the pain of giving up on it. So this might be a little hyper-critical, but I’d love to know your thoughts.
And, just a reminder, movie Van Helsing rocked my world.
